Alexander Nekrassov writes from London: Imagine how a live radio commentary about people having sex might sound on the airwaves:
First Commentator (FC): Well, John, the big day has arrived. Freddy has finally found the strength and enthusiasm to satisfy his wife, Lucy, after a relatively uneventful start to their mating season.
Second Commentator (SC): Yes, Ben, it hasn’t been a very good start to Freddy’s season. He’s been uninspiring in foreplay and his attacking patterns lacked enthusiasm and determination. Not to mention that he’d had a foreskin inflamation and couldn’t score for a while.
FC: Totally agree with you on that, John, and I expect many of Freddy’s fans think exactly the same as you, because they want to hear about some real action in the bedroom, about exciting new moves and positions, and they want to hear about dedication, strength of performance, deep moans and sighs and some quality dribbling…
SC: Dribbling, Ben? What do you mean by dribbling? Is Freddie planning to use a football as an accessory in the bedroom? Because according to the stats in front of me he isn’t using any sex toys tonight.
FC: I’m talking allegorically here, John. I mean Freddy moving fast in foreplay, making good passes at Lucy and scoring.
SC: Oh, I see, Ben. You’re just trying to raise the expectations of the fans, who’ve been slightly disappointed by Freddy’s recent performance.
FC: That’s right, John. You’ve nailed it perfectly, as always. Yesterday I spoke to Freddy’s close friend, Darren, about tonight’s performance and asked him what we can expect. Here are some of his thoughts that we recorded.
Recording of Darren: Freddy’s been working on ‘is foreplay a lot. I mean, he worked on it a lot. His foreplay is good, innit? Some say that he doesn’t like foreplay, but it’s crap, innit? I’m his best mate and I knows he likes it a lot. I mean, he’s not stupid, Freddy. He can’t just pop Lucy without all the other stuff. It’s not like he’s stupid or something. It’s a real shag, innit?
Voice in the background: OK, Darren, OK, we get the picture about Freddy’s foreplay. Tell us something about tonight’s possible formation in the bedroom.
Darren: Eh? What d’ou mean?
Voice, with slight irritation: Tell us how Freddy’s going to play it tonight. How’s he going to shag Lucy?
Darren: Oh, right, yeah. It’s going to be a big night, innit? It’s the full works, innit? Freddy’s not gonna show he’s interested at first. To catch Lucy unawares. I mean, he likes to surprise her and she likes surprises. It’s unexpected, innit?
First Commentator: Some words of wisdom there from Darren, Freddy’s best mate, who, incidentally was the first to encourage Freddy to stop playing with himself all the time and try getting into bed with a girl. Which, I can add, Freddy did, and he has never looked back.
SC: Yes, Ben, we sure should be grateful to Darren for being there for Freddy. Because who knows what he would be doing now. Could have been a wanker all his life, you know.
FC: Yes, that is a frightening scenario, John. But let’s turn to tonight’s performance. Freddy has entered the bedroom. He is wearing bright red underpants and a yellow T-shirt, a combination that proves his intention of giving us a great performance tonight.
SC: Yes, and Lucy is wearing a blue see-through nightie. And do I actually detect black suspenders underneath and a black lacy bra? Yes, I definitely see suspenders. Wow, suspenders! I always tell my mistress –
FC: Yes, John, we know that you like suspenders on a woman. Thanks for telling us again. (pause). OK, Freddy and Lucy are in the bedroom, both not really giving their game away. Both teasing each other with indifference. Freddie’s doing it especially well, because he’s brought a newspaper with him and he’s pretending to read it. What a clever move to catch Lucy off-guard.
SC: Yes, I remember he did the same thing about two months ago and it worked perfectly then.
FC: Yes, I remember that brilliant performance too. Do you think, John, they’ll be using any special lighting effects tonight?
SC: I don’t think so, Ben. The last I’ve heard it’s going to be a straightforward main-light-off and one-bedroom-light-on effect. A dim –
FC: I have to interrupt you there, John, because I’m getting word that Justin has just scored with his girlfriend, Miranda, in Liverpool, and is fast asleep already. Here’s our commentator, Steve, to talk us through the highlights. Steve, over to you.
STEVE: It was a racy performance from Justin. He started attacking from the word go and Miranda really stood no chance there. She tried to pretend that she had a headache and wasn’t in the mood, but Justin wouldn’t hear of it and kept on attacking, along the middle. And it paid off – he’s scored. And he’s fast asleep already.
FC: Did Miranda respond?
STEVE: Nope, didn’t have a chance. The attack lasted only 34 seconds.
FC: Right, thanks Steve. That was Steve reporting from Justin and Miranda’s bedroom in Liverpool. A bit of an anticlimax there, I must say.
SC: But things are hotting up here, in Freddy and Lucy’s bedroom. I hope they give us a good solid performance tonight, eh Ben.
FC: I sure hope they will, John.
SC: Oh, look, Freddy is making his first move. Going nicely about it. Picking up good pace.
FC: And Lucy is responding well. Wow, beautiful tackle there. Just beautiful. That woman sure has talent.
SC: By the way, I would like to remind listeners that our phone lines will be open tonight from eight, as usual, for you to make your comments on tonight’s performances now. Off comes the nightie. The suspenders and the bra are torn off. Lucy is keeping up the pace! What a performance, what individual technique! A feast for the eyes of us commentators and for the ears of our listeners! Freddy shoves his tongue down Lucy’s throat, and enters. Good, powerful thrusting of the lower torso. And … he scooooores! What a beauty! What a brilliant performer Freddy is. Lucy stood no chance there. Absolutely no chance. There was no way she could respond to such a breathtaking assault.
SC: And Freddy’s rolling over now. And he’s panting, but only slightly. He’s a big lad, he’s got a lot of power in him. And he’s only twenty-two, so he has a long career in front of him in the bedroom.
FC: Sorry to interrupt you, Ben, but I’m hearing that Roger ‘Big Penis’ McNaulty has just scored in his bedroom with his partner, Zara. And Zara, it seems, did respond. Yes, I have confirmation that she did respond. She’s managed to score too. What a match it must have been there! It’s really turning out to be a great night for the game.
SC: We have our sex pundit on the line, former international sex god and serial womaniser, Toby, who is calling us from Rome, where he’ll be commenting live tomorrow on Luigi bonking Dunya, his Russian girlfriend of two days. Toby, you heard our commentary – what can you say about Freddy’s performance tonight?
TOBY: I liked the way Freddy started his foreplay. He sounded confident and determined. It was brisk and confusing, and he played down the middle well. Plus, his tongue-shoving down Lucy’s throat has improved. That boy is destined for greatness.
FC: Thank you, Toby. Always good to hear your expert opinion. We have Stanley on the line now who coaches several couples in Manchester at the moment. Stanley, what are your thoughts about Freddy’s performance?
STANLEY: Freddy’s been great tonight. Good solid performance all around. No droopiness, no need for hand stimulation from Lucy. Good clean final strike. I’d say that with progress like that he could take the sex industry by storm, joining such living legends as Dan ‘Superprick’ Smith and Big ‘Penetrator’ Sam Dawkins II. We’ve sure got a new British talent in the making in Freddy.
FC: Thank you, Toby. That was Toby from Manchester, who was a big dipper himself in his younger years.
SC: Well, that’s all for tonight. Thanks for joining us, and remember you can hear the highlights of Freddy’s performance and some other matches on our digital sister-station, Classic Bonking FM. Bye everyone.
End of programme
Now, if you think that that sounded stupid, let me ask you this: was it really any more stupid than the sports commentaries you sometimes hear on the radio? Because I think it’s just about the same as listening to commentators talk absolute rubbish in describing a football or rugby match, a game of cricket or golf or, my personal favourite, car racing. Most of these commentaries make little or no sense at all and sound absolutely ridiculous. Sport is simply not suited for radio. It is a visual thing, you see, and you have to be either there at the stadium or watch it on television.
You can’t really listen to other people describing it. You might just as well listen to people describing it by listening to other people who are watching it. It just makes no sense, no sense at all.